This is part two of a three-part series about Loyal, who enrolled in our outpatient hospice service with end-stage lung cancer. Loyal was in his late seventies, thin with silver gray hair combed straight back. His typical dress was khaki pants, a dress shirt and suspenders. He sat with perfect posture, reflective of a man of discipline. Loyal reflected, “I’ve found that life isn’t very interesting without a challenge”. Loyal had owned a wholesale produce company with several trucks and drivers, and in his prime, he’d been a professional boxer in St. Louis. Loyal proudly claimed, “I fought back when you fought every Saturday night for ten dollars a fight.” Loyal added, “I’ve been knocked down but I’ve never been knocked out.”

Pride gave way to despair one day as Loyal admitted that his misplaced pursuit of challenge, of adventure, had cost him his first wife, children and family. He explained, “I wasn’t saved until I was seventy. All my life I looked for challenge in all the wrong places. But I’ve found that there’s nothing like trying to understand the heart, mind and will of God. I get a kick out of it! I only wish I’d known sooner. I’ve learned so much since then but now there’s no one who wants to listen. And I don’t blame them. But knowledge isn’t supposed to be lost; it’s supposed to be passed on.” It was a moment of truth, a moment of decision for me. I told Loyal, “I’m here and I’ll listen. And I promise to pass on whatever I learn.” Since that day I’ve endeavored to pass on what I’ve learned, not only from Loyal, but from other hospice patients and families as well.

Loyal had never heard of the group U2 and they had never heard about Loyal, but the words of their signature song “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” could have been written about Loyal. Upon researching the song, I was surprised to discover that the song was initially written as a gospel song. One of the band members explained, “We wrote the song as a gospel song pretty much. It doesn’t sound like a gospel song the way we do it, but if you look at the lyric, the basic music, that’s exactly what it is.” (YouTube: U2 + Gospel Choir, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for).

I’m confident that Loyal could have, at one time, identified with the following lyrics: “I have climbed the highest mountains; I have run through the fields, only to be with you, only to be with you. I have run, I have crawled, I have scaled these city walls, these city walls, only to be with you, but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for… I believe in the kingdom come, when all the colors will bleed into one, bleed into one, but yes, I’m still running. You broke the bonds, and you loosed the chains, carried the cross of my shame, oh my shame. You know I believe it. But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”

If you’ve been searching high and low but still haven’t found what you’re looking for, I encourage you to consider the following invitation from God, your Creator, your Maker, “Ho! Everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat. Yes, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, and let your soul delight itself in abundance. Incline your ear and come to Me. Hear and your soul shall live and I will make an everlasting covenant with you…Seek ye the Lord while He may be found, call upon Him while He is near…For you shall go out with joy, and be lead forth with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth singing before you, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands,” (Isaiah 55: 1-12).

I sincerely hope you find what you’re looking for. If Loyal were still here he would tell you, “There’s nothing like trying to understand the heart, mind and will of God”, and you’ll “get a kick out of it”.

And when you do, Loren Hardin is a social worker with SOMC-Hospice and can be reached at 740-357-6091 or at lorenhardin53@gmail.com. You can order Loren’s book, “Straight Paths: Insights for living from those who have finished the course”, at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

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